Friday, February 4, 2011

Diary of a Random Depressed Cinephile Athiest.

Lately, I have been unable to tell people my true feelings. I write for the website Rotten Tomatoes, I review films, both praise and insult. It's easy for me to write an insult about a really awful peace of shit movie. So I figured that if it was easy for me to insult a movie without remorse, I should be able to blog about my feelings. I hate thinking about things at the moment, I like giving myslef time to think so I am able to give an answer that doesn't make me look like a dumbass. I guess I am going to do a blog like this every friday or whenever I feel depressed just to let off some steam.

It's difficult for me to express myself. Everyday I wake up next to a pompus ass who thinks he is correct about the theology of right or wrong, problem is, he wouldn't even understand what the word theology even means. He constantly smokes marijuana, and insults my mother when she tries to have a conversation with her. He calls her a bitch when she tries to aid him. My mother and faether are very traditional parents, most of their teachings came from their parents and religion, but I see their views differently. I am an athiest, and my entire family is full of Catholics, I am the only athiest in my entire families tree of life, my idealogies are now being viewed dangorously by my family, my friends could give a shit less if I am an athiest or not.

I have ADHD, if you don't know what that is, its Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, if you still do not understand what that is, here is the definition from wikipedia- is a neurobehavioral dvelopmental disorder It is primarily characterized by "the co-existence of attentional problems and with each behavior occurring infrequently alone" and symptoms starting before seven years of age." And it is very difficult for me to even try to study. I lack the ability to study like normal people can, ADHD is the main reason I am fucking awful in Mathematics. I am taking an H. Statistics class, everyone has either an A or a B, while I have an F, its not because I am stupid, its because it is very difficult for me to do all the types of Math that they can do, I can't even remember one formula, and It makes me feel stupid.

I also have Insomnia, if you haven't seen Christophers Nolans' "Insomnia", it is a condition where someone has a large lack of sleep. Lately I have only 3-4 hours of sleep, even on the weekends. So it is also one of the many reasons I myself feel like a dumbass. I try to sleep, I lay on my bed thinking, thinking about things I should be thinking during the day. If I look like a fucking zombie during the day, its because I didn't sleep, and when I think about the things I am thinking at night, I easily forget about them during the day. The Mind is a fucking mystery.

I am a very weird and random person. I do not do anything for attention. In fact, I hate attention. I dislike it when people call me an attention whore, I like to do weird things because it makes me happy, I don't know why it's hard for people to understand that. I do things that immideatly pop up in my head(yes, this damn diary was immidealty popped up in my head the moment I started writing it). My family dislikes the idea of me being wierd, they will never say wether they care or not, but I know in their hearts that they dislike me being random. And its not just my randomness that I know they hate, I can easily tell that they hate my social commentary as well. I have a very different opinion from theirs, I know all people are different, but the way they think, its like they are all robots. I once stated that Mexico could get things done if its citizens didn't have their heads stuck up their asses. What do I mean by that? I mean, Mexicans are very hypocritical, they say that they are family first, yet you go to that country, and you see children smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, driving at a young age, entering into pointless gangs, and the country is still feeling proud of itself. A women once stated that she would rather see children die in agonny than be with a loving family of gays, this women is famous in Mexico, and what she said, is an example of a reason why I said that statement.

My friends, I love my friends, all of them. Just as I love my family, my friends are my family to me. They were their the moment I started feeling depressed. But I feel as though some of them are barely realizing that I am depressed. I know I've been able to bottle up 7 years worth of depression within me, and I know my friends aren't mindreaders. Lately I feel like I have been annoying my friends ti'll the point of death, especially one girl, I feel like disappeaing for a period of time so I could give my friends a brake from the unusualness.

Yeah, I admittingly felt suicidal for the past few weeks, I'm still alive, but sometimes I feel as though people would be happy without me. How do you think I feel after wrighting that? I feel like shit and I feel like crying because I think that.

Why am I still alive if I feel depressed after 7 years? I guess film is the reason why I am still alive. I know its a douchebag thing to say that an object has given me more reason to live rather than my family. But when I see a film, I feel happy, a feeling that people only feel when they either get married, or when they have a new born child.I told my family that I have felt depressed for many years, yet they deny it because I am young. I had to scare them just to make sure they finally realize that I am fucking depressed, and I am very very fucking tired.

When I am awake, I hear this theme every time If you hear it, you realize that it is earie. If your wondering how I can deal with a theme like that. Its because I just feel somewhat disconnected from people. Even though every person is different, I wonder what is the interest between this new hipster generation. Whats the point of a fashion style? Its eventually going to go out of style, so you are waisting money on something that is possibly going to get out of style very soon? I don't get it.

I have a long life. I hope everything gets better. But when I wake up I know things are just going to get worse. Everyday, life just gets worse. But life is a random event day by day, you have to learn how to deal with it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. I know mine will suck ass, but I hope yours doesn't.
Sincerely, Christian Chavez.